The Mummy

Unlike some out there, I remember when the 1999 The Mummy came out.  Saw it in theatres with the family, enjoyed it.  ‘Twas an entertaining adventure story, one that actually fit with the horror-rooted mummy concept.  Yeah, the first sequel was a bit of a CGI-induced fever dream, but it was relatively fun, and the second sequel was a pile of manure, despite the presence of my man Jet Li; still, the series was solid enough and represented what you could do with a different take on the mummy mythos.  When I first saw trailers for this offering, a new rebooted concept that will ostensibly launch Universal’s own shared-universe thing (dubbed, because they’re trying to look cool to the yutes, the “Dark Universe”), I thought it looked like it would be pretty good.  I mean, I’ve enjoyed Tom Cruise’s recent action outings (the last few Mission: Impossible sequels, the first Jack Reacher, and the like), and some of the action scenes they teased looked cool, so expectations were fairly high, especially for me.  Even when the bad reviews started rolling in.  I mean, they told me people were walking out of critics’ screenings, but that had to have been hyperbole, right?

NOOOOOPE!

Just to reassure those who think I just hate most everything, the sunny young lady I saw this with was also rather disappointed (I believe her reaction mostly consisted of exasperated cries of “White people…!  WHITE PEOPLE!”), so, yeah, trust me when I say this thing is awful traysh.

The story is basically the usual Mummy fare: a cursed tomb is discovered, the mummy uncovered, the finder is cursed to be the only one able to stop the creature, adventurous shenanigans ensue.  The twist is the inclusion of the Dark Universe tie-in shit, but that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

So, likely thanks to the absurd SIX writers, this film is an odd, off-putting mash-up of 1999’s The Mummy, An American Werewolf in London, Lifeforce, and something akin to Hot Fuzz.  In turn:  The links to the last reboot of the mummy franchise are obvious, especially the Indiana Jones-style adventure in the desert approach.  Then we come to the inclusion of Jake Johnson.  I had no idea he was even in this film, and his presence is mostly pointless.  He plays Cruise’s sidekick, mostly there to spout sarcastic one-liners and such until he’s taken out.  But he’s not gone, as he malingers about Cruise’s psyche, telling him about his curse and leading him to the titular mummy, much like Griffin Dunne did in Werewolf.  As the mummy is pursued, she, like Imhotep 18 years ago, drains the life out of unsuspecting mortals to reinvigorate herself.  The husks, though, don’t stay down as they did back then, instead opting to pop up and jerkily walk about to serve their mummified mistress, not unlike the husks from Lifeforce.  In fact, this could have been kinda creepy, as the zombies’ (let’s call ’em what they are, kids) movements are incredibly off-kilter and spooky, but they’re often accompanied by goofy scenes and inappropriate framing.

And that’s ultimately what killed the film for me, aside from the overtly derivative quality of the overdone script: the tone.  The tone is all over the fucking place here, jiggling from action-y to dramatic to needlessly comedic without ever stopping long enough to let anything sit and coagulate.  Instead, dumb one-liners are delivered snarkily during potentially (and ostensibly) tense scenes, action scenes are diluted with cartoonish effects and fight choreography (so many nut-shots to undead things…), and things that are likely meant to be funny are torpedoed by poor writing and pacing and usually something action-y beginning.  The resultant mess is tonally discordant, leaving you wondering why you should even care about trying to get invested in anything in any serious manner.  And this, in turn, leaves you bored, uninterested, and, likely, upset toward the film.

And then there’s the Dark Universe stuff.  Okay, so, remember when Iron Man came out about a decade ago?  Yeah, any connective tissue it shared with any future films was relegated to a small bit at the end (possibly in a post-credit sequence, but I can’t remember) with Nick Fury.  Here, things start out right the fuck away with the Universal logo flipping to show the Dark Universe logo.  Yup, they’re in this triple-hog, kids.  Then the beginning of the film sorta/kinda introduces us to another bit of DU crap, but it’s not fleshed out until later.  At that point, we get this universe’s Nick Fury analog: Dr. Jekyll.  Yup.  And they go exactly where you think they will with it.  Russell Crowe’s Jekyll isn’t bad, just a touch overly-theatrical, as though it were a Broadway character (yeah, yeah, I know, I’m just saying), and he doesn’t do much here plotwise, save introduce us to future installments of the shared universe franchise and delay the mummy in her doings.  It’s like we had a Mummy script and got it mixed with some Van Helsing or League of Extraordinary Gentlemen knock-off script.  And, thanks to some dodgy effects by some of the SEVEN effects houses involved in this film, there are times where those two bastions of crappy, CGI-laden mash-ups bubbled to mind while watching this one.  Note to Universal: this is NOT a good thing!

As for the acting, it’s hit or miss.  Cruise is mostly okay, but his attempts at a Brendan Fraser-style lovable rogue wind up coming across as straight-up asshattery, especially with the ego-stroking clearly on display for him (like his waking up in a body bag and doing things in the nude for a short bit, his pushing other characters out of the way so he can more coolly engage in action stuff, things like that).  Sofia Boutella is alright as the mummy, but she’s given nothing much to do beside strutting about “sexily” and being one of the most bafflingly ineffectual supernatural creatures I’ve ever seen.  Annabelle Wallis (a young Jane Seymour from The Tudors, I knew I recognized her from somewhere!) is similarly given little to do, often being brushed aside to let the guys handle things and having to be rescued in a strange shift in the script near the end (trust me, it was weird, as though Cruise was suddenly in love with her or something…?).  I don’t often notice things like that as much as I could and probably should, but the “sit tight, ladies, we guys will take care of everything” notes were face-slappingly obvious at times.

In the end, this things disappointed at every possible turn.  Sure, a couple of the action set pieces were kinda cool, especially the plane crash, but they seemed like things they came up with earlier and built up stupidity around them.  I don’t often hope for failure like this, but if this is what we can come to expect from future Dark Universe offerings, I hope this thing flops about as hard as many expect it to (I’ve heard estimates of $30 million this weekend…take that into account, along with a listed $125 million budget and a forceful advertising campaign that’s included TV spots, tie-ins, and so forth) and leaves this newest attempt at a Universal Monsters shared universe thing (remember Dracula Untold?  Or even the moribund Wolf Man?  Man, those look so much better after having watched this thing…) basically stillborn.  I mean, yeah, we’re prolly gonna see at least one or two more, given Universal’s seeming confidence and intense attachment to this idea, but, good lord, this was more than bad enough to kill a nascent franchise, and, frankly, it should be allowed to.

Skip this, kids, it ain’t worth your time or attention.