Fifty Shades Freed

Nothing is new under the sun, especially when you’re going through the motions and finishing a trilogy because 1) there is a third book to adapt and 2) the other two have already been done.  Gotta at least wring the last few dollars from the franchise, right?

During the previous two installments, plot was kicked to the wayside in favor of “developing” our “characters”, or, in other words, introducing us to the depths of shallowness we’re about to spend a few hours drowning in.  Thankfully, Fifty Shades Freed finally throws us a lifesaver and provides something akin to a plot.  …About an hour in…  Before that, we’re blessed with even further escapades of our newly-married sex-hungry couple as they bang anywhere and everywhere (they’re worse than damn bonobos!) and constantly argue over their power dynamic (“Who’s really in control?” asks the nonexistent person interested in such a thing, imaginary finger coyly pressed to the corner of the mouth, so cheeky!).  Hoo-fucking-ray.

Then, after a few instances of something amiss being hinted at, the miniscule plot kicks in:  Remember Jack Hyde from before?  You know, the eye-rollingly obviously-named asshat who started out nice and polite and then suddenly turned and assaulted Ana and was subsequently fired (y’see, like a shitty Jekyll and Hyde?).  Well, he’s back, still kinda pissed that he didn’t fully get away with his rape attempt, and he’s got kidnapping on his mind, first targeted at Ana, then, having failed there, one of Christian’s relatives (I think it was his sister?  I can’t keep these bland-ass people straight, but I’m pretty sure she’s his sister…).  It’s then a race against time to get the hostage released.  And, yes, even this relatively dramatic section is strained, overlong, dumb, convenient, and ultimately almost pointless.

There’s almost nothing new to say here.  The film, like its predecessors, is slow, boring, mentally exhausting (I tried to care, honestly I did!), and toxic to the worlds of sex-positivity and BDSM.  Indeed, there’s even a scene that’s presented to us as just another escapade in the Red Room, complete with the same trite music, lighting, framing, and editing as all the other “sexy” scenes, that turns out to be a complete subversion of the entire BDSM situation they’ve supposedly built up to this point.  Ana even points it out, but that doesn’t seem to change much or mean anything to anyone but her, the filmmakers included.  Gotta love the care, amiright?  The music is just as trashy and lame as in the first entry, the sex scenes lack any sensuality whatsoever (the ice cream scene comes off as more mildly gross and sticky than anything close to sexy), the acting has taken a step back (it looks like the leads have lost any remaining interest in their roles and just don’t care for what they’re doing anymore), the writing eclipses only its source material in quality, and none of the seeming plot points wind up going anywhere or meaning anything of any value.

What I did find kinda funny was a forced comparison made between Christian and Jack.  Y’see, they apparently came from the exact same foster home in Detroit, but Christian lucked out by getting adopted by the wealthy Greys, whereas Jack had to settle for less.  As a result, Christian has acquired a vast commercial empire of some sort (what the hell does he do for money, again?) and along the way has gained some strong issues with women and intimacy and control; whereas Jack became an editor or something for a decently well-off publishing house and also gained some issues with women and control (it’s revealed he’s banged pretty much every assistant he’s ever had, videotaped the experience, and used the tapes as blackmail leverage to keep them quiet).  Christian waxes philosophic over how close he came to ending up just like Jack, “there but for the grace of God” and all that.  But, yeah, Christian and Jack are the same person, essentially.  Both cultivate control over their respective situations, and both exploit that control for their own nefarious gains.  It just so happens that Jack had bad timing and made his move on Ana after Christian did, or, at least, that’s how things look to me.  In both cases, Ana is treated like garbage, verbally, physically, emotionally, and sexually, but Christian got there first and convinced Ana that deep down she really wanted it.  Remember Christian’s manipulation to get her to accede to his kinks?  Remember his controlling behavior?  Remember his potentially dangerous stalking of her when they weren’t together?  Remember how he continuously forces his will upon her, even when she doesn’t initially want it?  Yeah, kinda sounds similar to ol’ Hyde, don’t it?  Jack is Christian’s Hyde alter ego, a more vulgar, brutish expression of the same bullshit the Jekyll-y Christian exudes.  It’s enough to make a sane person sick at the thought that people see him as someone they want to be with…

So, yeah, in the end, this film was utter trash, succeeding in nothing but further exposing Christian Grey as the despicable fiend he always has been and Ana as one of the dumbest, weakest characters in the history of fiction.  This time, the actors couldn’t overcome any of their characters’ shortcomings, and we’re all of us the worse for having sat through a third iteration of their horribly dysfunctional and toxic relationship.  Don’t see this movie.  It’s not worth it.  Just mock it from a distance like everyone else, ’cause getting close enough to understand it just drags you down into its mire.  My conversation hearts did not help me, there was no fun to be had this Valentine’s Day.  I had a bad breakup on Valentine’s a few years ago, and this felt somehow worse, a more concentrated strike against my brain.  Luckily, the film is so ephemeral that it’s already begun to fade from my memory, so no demons shall be following me in the coming days.