After

I think fan-fiction gets a disproportionately bad rap. Sure, much of it is insipid, littered with grammatical and logic errors, and often there’s a distinct lack of shame, but it’s mostly in fun, an exercise in creativity and expression. I myself was terrible at coming up with original characters and situations when I was younger, so most of my early fiction efforts involved things like the X-Men. It’s when fanfic jumps media and becomes a piece of actual commercial art that the harsh criticism can flow. The work has left the world of dicking around for the fun of it and entered the world of money-making and whatnot.

So let’s talk about After.

Originally a One Direction fanfic (Harry Styles is a bad boy!?), the story was gobbled up by studio folk who figured they could glom onto the same general audience as Fifty Shades and the like. Even better, the younger demographic could be targeted for maximum profiteering. Makes my eyes water in capitalistic pride. If it wasn’t already evident, I have little respect for this film pretty much all-around. In order to convey this, I think a look at my notes, taken in synchronicity with the film’s action, will be the most effective form of communication. I did something like this with the Twilight series a while back, but these notes are a bit more substantial. And unedited, so there’s that. If you get tired of my inner monologue breaking free or just want a quicker summation, skip to the poster below.  Have fun, kids!

Her moving into the dorm takes longer than I did in real life

Wow, this college is just full of shit that doesn’t actually happen… (did the writer ever go to college???) (roommate, classroom design, professors)

“Who brings books to college?”  … students?

Fuck this overly-loud, obstreperous soundtrack!

Good girl gone bad story? (Calling it early)  (Back from the future: nope.)

This bloke’s got boundary issues

“The Great Gatsby, it’s a good book” yeah, sounds like something some douchebag would say (even if it is actually puffery in universe)

Why does she need to go partying all the time, roommate? Get a fucking personality, Jesus!

Wait, do these people think this sort of peer pressure actually happens? Do they live in a DARE video?

2 kinds of people: “innocents” and thoroughly-debauched prettyfolk (most of the former are judgmental pricks (esp the boyfriend, who I thought was her brother, too))

There it is, we’ve got the line: “Wait, are you a virgin?”  My stars and garters

So many boundary issues

“Love is just a transaction.” What an edgy take from this deeeeeeep character

Being with only one person = sad (gotta love it)

Is he supposed to be delivering these lines so uninterested/detached, or is it that he’s a shitty actor? It makes his fake-deep/edgy/”sensitive” shit come off as socio/psychopathic

Tessa feels like she stepped out of a Pureflix movie…

Wait, why did they just drive to the forest…? She warmed to him reeeaaallllyyy quick…

Why is there always skinny dipping? (of course he snuck a peek while she was stripping off)

“Nice? Isn’t that just another word for boring?” gag me

“I don’t think you can ever be just friends.” gag me again

Gotta love the king/queen of hearts tats on the fingers

“No ketchup? That’s very un-American.” “I’m full of surprises.”  please stop gagging me

I’m sorry, I don’t consider Wuthering Heights and Pride and Prejudice to be “romance” novels, dinguses (call me crazy)

Shit, everyone’s suffering from mood whiplash up in here!

She seems pretty fucking uppity for someone who’s apparently really eager to cheat on her boyfriend

What is this cover of “Complicated”!? Bahahahahahahaha!

Noah’s like the slightly more realistic version of Bill Pullman from Sleepless in Seattle (at least he reacts).

We’ve got all the hallmarks of a Blue Crush: adult language, adult content, teen partying, and a fight! BINGO!

“He won’t talk to me,” … Landon, you’re the lucky one here…

Girl, he seems like he has, like, actual problems, don’t try to come to a level of empathy ‘cause you wanna screw around behind your boyfriend’s back with someone you think is deep/dangerous, ‘kay?

“You don’t ever have to cover up. Not for me.” Real delicate with the boundaries there, eh, skitch?  So sensitive.  gag me

Also, why is there sexy times happening right now? Maybe she, like, wants to have issues, so she’s making them for herself? The fuck is going on?

“A friend needed my help.” “In the middle of the night?” Y’know, dude, life doesn’t stop when it ain’t banking hours.  I don’t care if you’re kinda right here, you’re still jumping the gun, boyo.

Just occurred to me: Is Hardin/Harden an actual first name somewhere?

How long will the fairly minor consequences last? According to the clock, two minutes or so. Nice. Now back to brooding boy. Hooray.

“Noah’s my best friend. You, you’re so much more.” WHAT!? You’ve known him, like, what, a week? Two? And you barely know the fucker! God, you’re an idiot!

…I don’t think that’s how binary stars form, professor.  I’m pretty sure they form that way, not luck into it via slinging around the universe, but what do I know?

[Tessa]’s fine as an actress, but this script is absolutely suffocating her. Poor thing.

Shit, more sexy times. He’s like Christian Grey: divert all unwanted conversations/feelings with sex. Real healthy, skippy.

Wait, why is dating Noah okay, but not this idiot? I mean, we know he’s a loon, but you don’t. …Oh, so it’s she can rebel against her controlling mom. Got it. Good to see they’re willing to burn bridges for no real reason. Love it. Is this a satire on upper-class life draped in a tortilla of shitty romance nonsense? Is this secretly genius?

“Ooh, she paints!” I bet she’d be distracted by anything shiny…

Wait, cohabitation? Already? The fuck? How much time has actually passed??? Dammit, movie, have some semblance of coherence!

I wish someone would speak to me in trailer quotes on a date at the aquarium…feelsbadman

Hey, Harden/Hardin, we have something in common: formal fashion sense. Dig the all-blacks and lack of comfort in social circumstances, homie!

O hai, Peter Gallagher.

Is everything some fucking edgelord pickup line with you? Jesus, give it a rest!

Man, I must be missing out on all the daddy-issue fun…

Feels like he needs her just to function properly. Real healthy relationship here.

Just got told his tortured backstory? Gotta get plowed. Sure. Why not.

IS this conflict? For no apparent reason? Starting with 15 minutes left?? Why even bother at this point?

(Ah, it’s spelled with an i. Thanks.)

Does this angry dude with the bitchy friend have a name? Better yet, a motivation? Who even are these people? Was this established? Did I have a stroke?

There’s 10 minutes left, might as well toss in some fucking contrivance. This is INSANITY! Turns out, kids, everyone was in on it! It’s like a romance novel version of Smiley! And just as inane! WHOOMP!

I’d call this the third-act miunderstanding, but that would imply there’s an actual structure here. This is just drama and noise.

Please say “I told you so”. Please. I’ve never needed anything so much in my life. Dammit.

Good to know there’s no consequences with Noah. I was worried she might learn something from being a terrible person. Dodged that bullet.

That angry dude is still leering at her! What the fuck, dude? Who even are you!?

“From Darcy to Heathcliff” Lotsa time and characters in there, buddy. You think you’re deep, too, don’t you?

Is anyone watching this with tears in their eyes from emotions rather than laughing? Please tell me that’s not possible!

So, to make the long story short, the film fails at just about every level: The writing is atrociously insipid, ticking every trope box possible, and it brings down even the stronger performances. Speaking of, the acting is led by Josephine Langford, who tries her best to vainly shine this turd of a script, but just about everyone else falls well short, especially Hero Fiennes-Tiffin, who slogs through the film with the same amount of energy and involvement as I did, all emotion hidden behind a void-like mask. The visuals are all drained of any life or color (mirroring the characters and plot, I suppose), and everything is just dour to look at. There is no sense of the passage of time, character motivations move on an overly-oiled swivel, most of the plot is just meandering garbage with flecks of drama tossed in to complete the illusion of an actual narrative, and it all winds up being pretty meaningless. I don’t see what anyone learned about themselves or the world in universe, and there’s certainly nothing for the audience to gain either.

This film is terrible, to put it as simply as possible. It’s good to see few are actually heading out to see this thing, so perhaps this minor trend of poorly-written fanfics-cum-scripts can be killed off before it can grow any further. Yeesh, I need a stiff drink.