We’re about a third of the way through this massive Nightmare Fuel (gotta hate irrational fractions, you can’t point out a definite milestone in ordinals), and we’re headed somewhere most people are likely not familiar with. We’re taking a ride on the Highway to Hell!
Our story begins with a young couple, Charlie and Rachel. They’re on their way to Vegas to get hitched without their families’ approval. One or both of them may be underage, or maybe elopement is a bigger deal in other places, but they’re worried about getting caught by the long arm of the law – or their parents. Against the warnings of a friendly-but-enigmatic service station attendant (never a good idea in situations such as these), Charlie falls asleep at the wheel whilst driving down a rough, lonely stretch of desert road. Out pops a malicious cop in pursuit, but he’s not a normal cop: he’s a hellcop! He snatches Rachel, knocks Charlie out, and books it on outta there. After coming to, Charlie returns to the service station where he finally gets the lowdown: That stretch of road, incidentally between a pair of Joshua trees (What, didja think it was gonna be nothin’ but AC/DC references? Have some U2, punk!), serves as a portal to hell, wouldn’t ya know, and Rachel’s been taken by the hellcop to the devil for some ostensibly lascivious purposes (he does love them virgins, after all). So Charlie travels to hell in search of his would-be bride, taking on the devil, the hellcop, and the occasional attack from minions and biker toughs. It’s a wild ride, y’all.
Now, I’d never even heard of this thing until I saw a video from Brandon Tenold (which can be viewed here), at which point I felt I just had to hunt this thing down and watch it. And what better time than during Nightmare Fuel, eh?
Now, I’ve gotta admit, it’s a bit on the highly uneven side, in terms of both tone and narrative. The script from Brian Helgeland, who won on Oscar for penning L.A. Confidential, leans more toward his A Knight’s Tale and The Postman tendencies, unable to keep focus on any particular plot thread and throwing a bit of everything at the wall, hoping for something to stick. This leads to some strange combinations, like broad slapstick comedy, surreal horror-light, and even a touch of post-apocalyptic exploitation. Some of it works, but a lot of it doesn’t, and the overall mixture just winds up taking on an odd color and tasting inexplicably off. We’ve all made those smoothies, right? I did enjoy the “good intentions” road-paver, though, that was pretty good.
The acting from leads Chad Lowe and Kristy “I Was the First Buffy” Swanson is mostly fine, seemingly aiming for a sort of throwback version of youthful innocence and such, and Patrick Bergin certainly looks to be enjoying himself as the devil. We’ve got a few cameos, as well, including Ben Stiller and his comedic parents, rocker Lita Ford, one of the actors to portray Jason Vorhees (C.J. Graham, to be exact), and even Gilbert Gottfried as, you guessed it, Hitler. Oh, and there’s a bunch of Andy Warhols running around, for reasons, I’m sure.
This is quite the oddball of a film. Though I didn’t fully enjoy it, there were certainly enough entertaining bits to keep me from souring on the enterprise. It’s worth a go if you wanna see something out there that doesn’t overdo it, or if you’re jonesing for something few have ever seen.
(And in case you were wondering, the titular song never appears. Bummer, I know, but I guess that would’ve been too on the nose. *shrug*)
Allusions of Grandeur 